News archive

Domestic abuse is any type of threatening, controlling or violent behaviour between people in a close relationship. It isn’t just physical violence either - it can be any form of emotional, sexual, financial or psychological abuse. Though it's generally thought to be underreported, statistics say that for every three victims of domestic abuse, two will be female and one will be male.

Here, we highlight one man’s experience of domestic abuse and how we were able to help him.

“My relationship started to go wrong five years ago. My ex-partner and I were both drug addicts; we supported each other and continued this lifestyle. But when I suffered a family tragedy, everything changed. I was living with my brother when an electrical fault set the house on fire. I was unconscious and he literally dragged me to safety but he died saving me. The stress caused me to have a nervous breakdown and I was sectioned."

"When I started to feel better, I vowed never to take drugs again as I couldn’t bear the thought that my brother lost his life only for me to waste mine. But my ex-partner didn’t take the same path to rehabilitation.”

“We got a joint tenancy together but soon became strangers living under the same roof. Her son came to live with us and he would physically attack me. He threw me down the stairs and threatened me with a knife. He’d grown up in and out of foster care and his mum suffered awful guilt about his upbringing. His friends would come round every day and threaten me too. It was a living hell”.

“When he eventually moved out, I thought I’d get a break but my partner blamed me for driving him away. I wanted to stay with my sister for a bit, so I bought a train ticket. My ex reacted badly, attacking me with a level of violence I didn’t know she had in her. Because I didn’t fight back, she saw this as a weakness. As a child, I’d seen my mum get battered and I’d always thought domestic abuse was a husband beating his wife, not the other way around. I couldn’t fight back and do to her what had been done to my mum; I’d never allow myself to become the type of person I wanted to flee from”.

“I was living a horrible existence and getting more and more depressed. Self-harming became my outlet as that was the only thing I could control. The abuse wasn’t just physical and verbal; she wouldn’t let me speak to my sister or friends. She took my phone from me and controlled our money for her addiction. I wasn’t just isolated, I felt trapped. She threatened me with a knife said she would hurt herself and blame me; I was frightened the police would come and arrest me! I decided then that I had to do something about the situation”.

“I went to the library and asked someone about housing. They said it could take years on the waiting list and I couldn’t afford to rent privately. I felt destroyed and, in the moments after, I wouldn’t have been bothered if I’d been hit by a bus”.

“But I found more courage and this time I went to a UCAN centre. The housing officer asked me why I wanted to move home and I couldn’t hide my situation any longer. I was a broken person and it all came out. They guided me through my options for support, including temporary accommodation and homeless welfare, and made it clear that they’d treat me as an individual – it didn’t matter that I was a man being abused by a woman”.

“I returned to the house and my ex. Even though the situation had got worse (I still have the scars of getting a boiling pan of water thrown into my face), I felt better for having talked to experienced people about it. I no longer felt on my own. Within a few weeks, I’d met a specialist domestic abuse officer from Bolton at Home and I was getting support from Bolton Integrated Drugs and Alcohol Service (BIDAS). This gave me the confidence to take action after what proved to be the final incident and last straw. Her son and his friends came to the house. They saw broken plates on the kitchen floor, caused by my ex, and they went for me. I was scared for my life. I left for temporary accommodation the next day and have never been back”.

“I was astonished how quickly the pain and suffering went away. I’d forgotten what it was like to sleep comfortably through the night. I’m now back on my feet, in a new place and I’ve already built-up some savings. It feels so good to have a fresh start. Looking back, the support I received from the day I opened up to someone who could help has saved my life and I’ve no intention of wasting the rest of it."

Where to go for help and advice:

• For women and men who are abused: National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247 (24 hours)
• Advice for men who are abused: Men's Adviceline, on 0808 801 0327
• Support for people abused in a forced marriage: Karma Nirvana on 0800 5999247
• Local support: our Domestic Abuse Support Team on 01204 328143.

 

The Bolton at Home Group is tackling homelessness and promoting ‘Social Dialogue for Human Dignity’, supported by funding from Erasmus+.